Things I've been doing instead of writing

Watching zombie movies, reading zombie novels, reading Rising Stars, not reading Island, watching Heroes, watching Supernatural, watching Chuck and Pushing Daisies, playing Table Tennis on-line and getting my butt kicked by what seems to be the whole of Europe, beating up jr high kids on Halo 3, getting it handed back to me my people who seem to live in the Halo world, listening to Danielson and GODS, Blind Guardian and Nightwish (who's concert I just missed) and other various power/symphoonic metal bands, visiting the same half-priced books store hoping to see something different, finally buying American Splendor and not finishing it, being awesome, filling out application after application and falling into a pit of darkness and dispair, listening to more Danielson to lighten the mood, takiing long walks at night and remembering the good ol' days, playing Jenga and Skip Bo, watching movies on YouTube, watching movie trailers on the xbox, playing more Tabble Tennis on Xbox Live, losing again, Oblivion, reading everyone's blogs, wondering who's reading mine besides Brad and Devin, making A Hobo Feed French Bread To Pigeons available on-line, listening to The Legion of Doom, humming the Invader Zim theme song while brushing my teeth, singing Iron Maiden while at the laundry mat and avoiding odd stares, taking apart my vacuum to find out whats wrong with it, putting my vacuum back together without solving the problem, watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, making a list in my head of things I've been doing instead of writing to put in a blog about absolutely nothing.

If the World Is Ending I'm Throwing the Party

I had a dream last night about the end of the world and Nixon was the president. There was a large group of people in a building, some looked like refugees and the others seemed to be government officials of different varieties. In an taped off area off to the side of everyone was Nixon as president of the United States and several scientists and advisers surrounding a computer with a counter slowly counting down to the end of the world but no one knew exactly how or why the world would be ending. There were several theories by some of the characters in the dream that included something wrong with the planet and it may somehow explode, aliens coming down from the skies and killing everyone, or maybe it would all just stop. When the counter started counting down from thirty seconds Nixon tried desperately to stop the counter on his own despite all his scientists and military personnel haven't been able to do anything for however long they've had the information. When the computer screen finally reached 00:00 the lights went out for a few seconds and then I guess some sort of emergency lighting came on. This is the part of the dream where I was actually me. I was in some sort of large building with a few people I knew but didn't really know very well and this large crowd of people I was in was ushered from the building across a lot to another building where I guess we were supposed to wait. Myself and the few people I knew made our way to the secondary building and upon entering it I woke up. The dream wasn't especially frightening but when I awoke I had this feeling of impending doom that kept me up for the next few minutes laying in bed, unmoving. I had a few other odd little dreams between then and when I finally got up for the morning during the small pockets of sleep I got between waking up thinking abut that first dream but none of them had the same affect on me as that first one did.

Just Another One of Those Days

Some Poems I Wrote At Starbucks

Caffeine High

We live in a Starbucks world
where kids can nurse
their ever-growing
caffeine addiction
with a iced triple grande
five pump soy
with extra whip
Mocha beverage
making their short lives
even shorter
by speeding through the day
on a caffeine high.


One More Cup

Just one more cup
then back to work I'll go
but no sooner.
I'll wait until the last drop
of that hot coffee with just the right amount
of sugar and cream
rolls down to the back of my tongue
and down my throat to join
the rest of the coffee of the day
and only then will I make my way
back to the office
to dream of tomorrow's
special brew.


Trash Day

Every day is trash day
when millions of Americans
toss aside
their day's waste
in overflowing metal cans
outside the shops
and food chains.
Empty cups and half-eaten bagels
line the sidewalks
because there never
seems to be
enough time
to walk an extra four feet
and drop off
their extra waste
into the proper receptacle.


MY Table

This is MY table.
I laid down my
notebook before
I went to order my drink
so I have the right
to prop my leg up
on the adjacent chair
as I relax
and unwind
with a cigarette
before I have to haul
myself back to
cleaning tables
and washing dishes
all night long.

Lost Planet of the Gods

Yesterday I was scanning my newly received bookshelf for something to read. I was in a science-fictiony mood and was being reminded of simpler times. There was really nothing there that interested me. It made me wish I had searched Half-Priced Books for more than just that MASH book. Bewildered by my lack of accomplishment during the search I turned to the one thing that may hold the solution to my dilemma; the television. So there I am, flipping through the few channels my broken antennae can pick up and amongst the haze what do my tired eyes recognize but two Viper starfighters flying across my screen. Oh what joy I did receive when the Battlestar Galactica stood before me. Appolo and Starbuck got lost while exploring a mysterious void that stood before the Galactica while the Viper crews fell ill to a mysterious bacteria. Shuttle pilots made up of mostly women were then sent into battle against the attacking Cylons as they cleared the way for a science vessel to land on an asteroid and find a cure for the mysterious ailment afflicting the Viper pilots. It was a two parter so I may check out the ending next Saturday. My thirst was quenched once more, but that wasn't the end. After Battlestar Galactica Star Trek was on. I didn't sit through the whole episode though it was playing behind me as I was thwarting the ever-growing zombie threat on-line. I still wish I had a book to read because my science fiction innards are rumbling once again and this time my TV isn't coming to my rescue. I'm settling by listening to some astro-rock. So until next time travelers,

"Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest for a shining planet known as Earth."

Oh how I love Half-Priced Books

This is what I found tonight at a Half-Priced Books.

Its beautiful. It really is.
Now I have some reading to do.

Patience and Waiting

Patience and waiting. I understand those two but what is it called when while waiting nothing is really being done. Is it laziness or something on the verge of a feeling of hopelessness? Because thats where I am now and thats the conclusion I've come up with. In my Now What? blogs I was vaguely describing my life and whats been going through my head in the previous months. Now I'm here to write about the present and presently I don't know whats been going on. I've been writing these entries to inspire me to get up and do something but for me inspiration only seems to be temporary. I don't seem to be as focused as I was last week so thats why I continue to write. To keep my mind on track and force the habit of focusing back into me. I've been reading alot recently but sometimes I would lose the desire for study and be distracted by other books, TV shows, movies, and music. There's nothing wrong with a little break now and again but for me I get consumed. I'll get so into one thing and my thoughts will be totally redirected to it instead of where I feel I need to be. This is one of those ruts I mentioned in an earlier post. I have my life so full of stuff but when you put all that stuff together it equal nothing compared to what I need. I've been filling my life with nothingness to distract me and occupy my mind. So I am writing again trying to keep my mind on track.

Now What? part 2, part 2

I read this in a book and I think it can be applied to everybody in all walks of life. It somewhat sums up mt last rant of a blog and really sounds a whole lot better than anything I've ever written.

"We both believe strongly that what we say about Jesus and the Christian life belongs, not in a private world, inaccessible and incomprehensible except "from faith to faith," but in a public world of historical and cross-cultural study, in the contemporary world as well as in the church."
-Marcus J. Borg & N.T. Wright from their book The Meaning of Jesus: Two Visions

---

So the balls now in my court (as they say) but that's not where I like to keep it. It means that I now have to enact change instead of waiting for some invisible force to miraculously make things the way I want them. This is the part where I have to start challenging myself. I'll be 23 in September; I live at home, no job, and no car. What have I got to show for my life? Around here is when I start to feel depressed and my mind begins to wander and hope for that invisible force to come in and make things better. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. I don't know what it is, its not that I lack motivation but it may be because I get let down easily. I can have 2 job interviews in a week and they go great but when I don't get contacted I seem to get set back. On a completely different note inspired from my roaming mind, there are times when friends ask me about girls and relationships pertaining to my life and the thoughts that go through my head are as follows. I've got character and I've some decent looks (or so I'm told) but again, the situation my life is in right now just doesn't warrant a relationship of that sort. It's not bad, it's just stagnant. I can't seem to get a job and that's just number one on the list. My life's not prepared for that right now, no matter how much I may want it at times. And I'm at that point in writing where I seem to have lost my place and wonder where I was going with this. The only thing I can do is push through. (If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please feel free to share them with me.) What else is there for me to do?
So God's apparently got this preconceived plan for my life but for some reason he doesn't enjoy sharing ideas as much as I do. At least right now he won't. There are times when I ask and many of those times I'm at peace because I know where I'm supposed to be. But it's the other times, those times when I've missed something or taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way but I don't know why or where. All I can seem to do is lay in bed at night and ask "Now What?" Where am I supposed to be going? What do I have to do to get directions? I've tried asking. And I almost always lose patience. (Don't you just love being able to answer your own questions without even knowing what you're doing?) Most of the time waiting means being patient and calming down and I think this writing helps me with that. I get time to focus my thoughts and reflect on what's been going on inside my head. But sometimes it still seems like I've been doing nothing. This time there is no complex conclusion. Sometimes in life you just have to wait.

And Now For Something Completely Different ... or not

Alot of the things I have been writing recently (Now What? and some stuff I haven't posted yet) I've been writing primarily for myself. I didn't write anything for any particular audience and nothing has been written for the purpose of being read. There are, however, reasons why I am posting these things I write. One of which is so that I can organize my thoughts and so that I'll have everything out in the open so people who have access to and knowledge of this site have no excuse to not know what I write. Also, if I go back on my word or say two completely opposite things in life someone can call me out on it so I can either fess up or explain my actions and thought processes. And if that situation arises I strongly urge you to do so. I often notice that some people ignore people's mistakes or actions that they don't agree with or feel comfortable around and instead of having a mature conversation between the two of them, they would rather form an opinion and spread that opinion without full knowledge of the situation. I know that confronting everyone this way is a bit extreme but thats not the way I mean it, more of a balance of disagreement and conversation and an ability to hold your tongue when needed. I see alot of whispering in the church setting which is one reason I took a step back was so I didn't 1) fall into it or 2) blow up at everyone. That is another reason I am posting my thoughts on-line. If any of what I've been writing recently deserves an audience I would rather it be the Christians because I believe some of what I have to say needs to be heard by some of them. I'm not saying that it is strictly faith-based writing, its just writings from my life and observation that I have made. If anyone who does not share in a similar belief system of mine wishes to read what I have to say, go ahead. I would greatly value your opinion on the subject also. If anyone has anything to say (agree or disagree) with anything I put here on this site, I encourage you to tell me either publicly or privately (depending on your preference) because that is the only way I'm going to know how you feel. You making an opinion based only on what I have to write here isn't probably the best plan of action. Talk to me, I want to hear your views. I'm going to stop writing now because this took an odd direction that I didn't originally plan but I still wrote stuff I wanted to write. So feedback on anything is greatly appreciated ...

... There are times when I can't always find the words for what I want to say so if anything seems unclear to you feel free to e-mail me and I'll try to elaborate and make more sense. That is all ... I promise.

Now What?, part2

I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous entry but I wrote all these Now What? pieces laying in bed at around one in the morning without my glasses on so if anything for any reason doesn’t seem to make any sense just ask and I’ll try to explain it because it all makes sense to me, the sleep deprived blind old fool writing in the dark.

My first year attending a church youth camp I was helping out as an adult leader at the church. It was that summer that God told me that I was made to be a leader. This brought tears to my eyes. One thing was that I was an easy going, shy guy, and borderline anti-social. the other was that I had no clue what I was supposed to do. Me? A Leader? How was that supposed to work? Two things overwhelmed me, fear and complete reliance on another figure, a deity of all things. I was never really comfortable with surrendering myself and giving God complete obedience. It is still something I have trouble with to this day. This probably has a large affect on where my life is right now. God told me I was going to be a leader so a leader I was going to be. Suddenly young people at the church would confide in me their problems. My advice wasn’t always that great but it slowly got better. The some friends and myself get this band going and again I was thrust into this position of leadership. The two roles were completely different. At the church young people would ask me for advice and I was in a position of servitude while in the band most leadership was spread out and organization was key. These experiences helped me grow into the person that I am. I began talking more on pressing matters, letting my opinion be heard, and seeking counsel among my friends. During all this God taught me about leadership and what it takes to be a leader and specifically what I was doing wrong in that role. I still wasn’t accustomed to being a leader. I always enjoyed the backseat, behind the scenes look at life and helped make things work that way. This whole being on the front lines and talking to people I didn’t know was all new to me. Now with me not working for the youth at the church and the band now disbanded I don’t know where I’m headed. So I sit here before God asking the same questions over and over again. "Now what?" And I start thinking and writing in circles. I have so many small thoughts and major opinions but I’ve always had trouble applying myself and getting those ideas out there and letting my voice be heard when it really counts. So I now live by something I read somewhere and applied it to my prayers: You made me who you want me to be and I’m standing in the way. Point me in the right direction so I can fulfill your dreams.