Patience and Waiting

Patience and waiting. I understand those two but what is it called when while waiting nothing is really being done. Is it laziness or something on the verge of a feeling of hopelessness? Because thats where I am now and thats the conclusion I've come up with. In my Now What? blogs I was vaguely describing my life and whats been going through my head in the previous months. Now I'm here to write about the present and presently I don't know whats been going on. I've been writing these entries to inspire me to get up and do something but for me inspiration only seems to be temporary. I don't seem to be as focused as I was last week so thats why I continue to write. To keep my mind on track and force the habit of focusing back into me. I've been reading alot recently but sometimes I would lose the desire for study and be distracted by other books, TV shows, movies, and music. There's nothing wrong with a little break now and again but for me I get consumed. I'll get so into one thing and my thoughts will be totally redirected to it instead of where I feel I need to be. This is one of those ruts I mentioned in an earlier post. I have my life so full of stuff but when you put all that stuff together it equal nothing compared to what I need. I've been filling my life with nothingness to distract me and occupy my mind. So I am writing again trying to keep my mind on track.

Now What? part 2, part 2

I read this in a book and I think it can be applied to everybody in all walks of life. It somewhat sums up mt last rant of a blog and really sounds a whole lot better than anything I've ever written.

"We both believe strongly that what we say about Jesus and the Christian life belongs, not in a private world, inaccessible and incomprehensible except "from faith to faith," but in a public world of historical and cross-cultural study, in the contemporary world as well as in the church."
-Marcus J. Borg & N.T. Wright from their book The Meaning of Jesus: Two Visions

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So the balls now in my court (as they say) but that's not where I like to keep it. It means that I now have to enact change instead of waiting for some invisible force to miraculously make things the way I want them. This is the part where I have to start challenging myself. I'll be 23 in September; I live at home, no job, and no car. What have I got to show for my life? Around here is when I start to feel depressed and my mind begins to wander and hope for that invisible force to come in and make things better. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. I don't know what it is, its not that I lack motivation but it may be because I get let down easily. I can have 2 job interviews in a week and they go great but when I don't get contacted I seem to get set back. On a completely different note inspired from my roaming mind, there are times when friends ask me about girls and relationships pertaining to my life and the thoughts that go through my head are as follows. I've got character and I've some decent looks (or so I'm told) but again, the situation my life is in right now just doesn't warrant a relationship of that sort. It's not bad, it's just stagnant. I can't seem to get a job and that's just number one on the list. My life's not prepared for that right now, no matter how much I may want it at times. And I'm at that point in writing where I seem to have lost my place and wonder where I was going with this. The only thing I can do is push through. (If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please feel free to share them with me.) What else is there for me to do?
So God's apparently got this preconceived plan for my life but for some reason he doesn't enjoy sharing ideas as much as I do. At least right now he won't. There are times when I ask and many of those times I'm at peace because I know where I'm supposed to be. But it's the other times, those times when I've missed something or taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way but I don't know why or where. All I can seem to do is lay in bed at night and ask "Now What?" Where am I supposed to be going? What do I have to do to get directions? I've tried asking. And I almost always lose patience. (Don't you just love being able to answer your own questions without even knowing what you're doing?) Most of the time waiting means being patient and calming down and I think this writing helps me with that. I get time to focus my thoughts and reflect on what's been going on inside my head. But sometimes it still seems like I've been doing nothing. This time there is no complex conclusion. Sometimes in life you just have to wait.

And Now For Something Completely Different ... or not

Alot of the things I have been writing recently (Now What? and some stuff I haven't posted yet) I've been writing primarily for myself. I didn't write anything for any particular audience and nothing has been written for the purpose of being read. There are, however, reasons why I am posting these things I write. One of which is so that I can organize my thoughts and so that I'll have everything out in the open so people who have access to and knowledge of this site have no excuse to not know what I write. Also, if I go back on my word or say two completely opposite things in life someone can call me out on it so I can either fess up or explain my actions and thought processes. And if that situation arises I strongly urge you to do so. I often notice that some people ignore people's mistakes or actions that they don't agree with or feel comfortable around and instead of having a mature conversation between the two of them, they would rather form an opinion and spread that opinion without full knowledge of the situation. I know that confronting everyone this way is a bit extreme but thats not the way I mean it, more of a balance of disagreement and conversation and an ability to hold your tongue when needed. I see alot of whispering in the church setting which is one reason I took a step back was so I didn't 1) fall into it or 2) blow up at everyone. That is another reason I am posting my thoughts on-line. If any of what I've been writing recently deserves an audience I would rather it be the Christians because I believe some of what I have to say needs to be heard by some of them. I'm not saying that it is strictly faith-based writing, its just writings from my life and observation that I have made. If anyone who does not share in a similar belief system of mine wishes to read what I have to say, go ahead. I would greatly value your opinion on the subject also. If anyone has anything to say (agree or disagree) with anything I put here on this site, I encourage you to tell me either publicly or privately (depending on your preference) because that is the only way I'm going to know how you feel. You making an opinion based only on what I have to write here isn't probably the best plan of action. Talk to me, I want to hear your views. I'm going to stop writing now because this took an odd direction that I didn't originally plan but I still wrote stuff I wanted to write. So feedback on anything is greatly appreciated ...

... There are times when I can't always find the words for what I want to say so if anything seems unclear to you feel free to e-mail me and I'll try to elaborate and make more sense. That is all ... I promise.

Now What?, part2

I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous entry but I wrote all these Now What? pieces laying in bed at around one in the morning without my glasses on so if anything for any reason doesn’t seem to make any sense just ask and I’ll try to explain it because it all makes sense to me, the sleep deprived blind old fool writing in the dark.

My first year attending a church youth camp I was helping out as an adult leader at the church. It was that summer that God told me that I was made to be a leader. This brought tears to my eyes. One thing was that I was an easy going, shy guy, and borderline anti-social. the other was that I had no clue what I was supposed to do. Me? A Leader? How was that supposed to work? Two things overwhelmed me, fear and complete reliance on another figure, a deity of all things. I was never really comfortable with surrendering myself and giving God complete obedience. It is still something I have trouble with to this day. This probably has a large affect on where my life is right now. God told me I was going to be a leader so a leader I was going to be. Suddenly young people at the church would confide in me their problems. My advice wasn’t always that great but it slowly got better. The some friends and myself get this band going and again I was thrust into this position of leadership. The two roles were completely different. At the church young people would ask me for advice and I was in a position of servitude while in the band most leadership was spread out and organization was key. These experiences helped me grow into the person that I am. I began talking more on pressing matters, letting my opinion be heard, and seeking counsel among my friends. During all this God taught me about leadership and what it takes to be a leader and specifically what I was doing wrong in that role. I still wasn’t accustomed to being a leader. I always enjoyed the backseat, behind the scenes look at life and helped make things work that way. This whole being on the front lines and talking to people I didn’t know was all new to me. Now with me not working for the youth at the church and the band now disbanded I don’t know where I’m headed. So I sit here before God asking the same questions over and over again. "Now what?" And I start thinking and writing in circles. I have so many small thoughts and major opinions but I’ve always had trouble applying myself and getting those ideas out there and letting my voice be heard when it really counts. So I now live by something I read somewhere and applied it to my prayers: You made me who you want me to be and I’m standing in the way. Point me in the right direction so I can fulfill your dreams.

Now What?, part 1

I don't know who this is for, mainly myself I guess. The audience I have in mind are mostly those of you who don't know me too well but do know me well enough to hold a conversation with me. People I may see from week to week but don't really know me. This is just answers to questions I don't here ... (okay, now I'm just rambling).
Now What?

I've never known what to write about. I don't even know my reason for writing. I've read so many amazing books and articles where authors tell the tales that make up their lives while imparting knowledge and wisdom along the way. Stories of rebellion and adventure, loneliness and hatred, beauty and joy. I never had stories like that, at least none that I considered worthy of sharing. My experiences are few but my conversation with God number in the many only I'm always saying the same things and asking the same questions. I am yours. Where do you want me? Now what? Tonight I find myself saying those same things but this time I'm taking notes and writing down what I think. I don't have the answers or claiming to know the truth. I only have myself, God, and these words I'm writing down. I don't even know where these words are going to take me. Adventure? Joy? Hope? Despair? I won't know until I get there and I won't arrive at the end until I find someplace to start. I guess now is as good as a time as any.
A few months back I stopped attending the church I've been at for years. I didn't leave for good, just a break to step back and examine my life as well as some of the things I saw going on that I didn't like. It was nothing inner church based (though there are some things I disagree with) just some characters I didn't really see eye to eye with and I wanted to remove myself from that sort of atmosphere before it started influencing me and the decisions I make. I'm not the type of person who leaves someplace because they don't like whats going on. I've always told people that running away from problems only solves them temporarily for yourself. To solve problems you need to get involved and invoke change yourself. I don't recall all the reasons I left, my motives were hardly what I would call noble and selfless. Little did I know that that there were reasons beyond my knowledge that I had cast myself out on my own. I didn't know it at the time but getting away from the church scene would help me get closer to God.