Now What?, part2

I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous entry but I wrote all these Now What? pieces laying in bed at around one in the morning without my glasses on so if anything for any reason doesn’t seem to make any sense just ask and I’ll try to explain it because it all makes sense to me, the sleep deprived blind old fool writing in the dark.

My first year attending a church youth camp I was helping out as an adult leader at the church. It was that summer that God told me that I was made to be a leader. This brought tears to my eyes. One thing was that I was an easy going, shy guy, and borderline anti-social. the other was that I had no clue what I was supposed to do. Me? A Leader? How was that supposed to work? Two things overwhelmed me, fear and complete reliance on another figure, a deity of all things. I was never really comfortable with surrendering myself and giving God complete obedience. It is still something I have trouble with to this day. This probably has a large affect on where my life is right now. God told me I was going to be a leader so a leader I was going to be. Suddenly young people at the church would confide in me their problems. My advice wasn’t always that great but it slowly got better. The some friends and myself get this band going and again I was thrust into this position of leadership. The two roles were completely different. At the church young people would ask me for advice and I was in a position of servitude while in the band most leadership was spread out and organization was key. These experiences helped me grow into the person that I am. I began talking more on pressing matters, letting my opinion be heard, and seeking counsel among my friends. During all this God taught me about leadership and what it takes to be a leader and specifically what I was doing wrong in that role. I still wasn’t accustomed to being a leader. I always enjoyed the backseat, behind the scenes look at life and helped make things work that way. This whole being on the front lines and talking to people I didn’t know was all new to me. Now with me not working for the youth at the church and the band now disbanded I don’t know where I’m headed. So I sit here before God asking the same questions over and over again. "Now what?" And I start thinking and writing in circles. I have so many small thoughts and major opinions but I’ve always had trouble applying myself and getting those ideas out there and letting my voice be heard when it really counts. So I now live by something I read somewhere and applied it to my prayers: You made me who you want me to be and I’m standing in the way. Point me in the right direction so I can fulfill your dreams.